EVERY time I wash my face, I hear a voice from my childhood whispering: “Don’t forget behind your ears”
Which is odd, because I’m not schizophrenic and I don’t think in my life I have ever forgotten that there was a space behind my lug ‘oles. I think everyone has one.
Imagine waking up in the middle of the night, prodding your partner (no, not like that) and saying: “I just found a space behind my ears – I’d completely forgotten about that.”
I can hear the reply now: “Good job, otherwise your spectacles would fall off.”
Nor since childhood have I ever intended for there to be a small part of my body which would remain untouched by water during the daily splosh and brush down – with the exception of internally, of course (although some people do seem to go down that route, with a hosepipe and an hour to spare).
Which leads me to the point of this week’s column viz a vie, it’s interesting to consider how the little things which influenced our childhood often stay with us throughout later life – not just memories, but also possessions.
I happened upon a list the other day which detailed the Top 10 most bizarre artefacts found in attics in East Yorkshire. No, honestly.
It went:
* Antique adult toys (long nights, poor TV reception)
* Russian spyglass (to see what the neighbours are doing in a hurry ... Russian … geddit?)
* Stuffed dogs and parrots (nice bit of mince and some carrots add to the flavour)
* WW1 bullets and gas masks (for Ann Summers parties and/or Tuesdays)
* Boxed fingernails (a great Christmas gift, although quite appalling without the box)
* Elephant’s foot (just three to go for the set)
* X-ray machine (early version of X-ray specs allowing folk to see each other naked)
* Official order of service from Princess Diana’s funeral (drunken shopping channel spur of the moment purchase)
* Pair of 1757 duelling pistols (for those long-running feuds over a cat or damage caused by a rogue potato)
* Wooden coffin (soil included, in case of defeat in a long-running feud caused by a cat or rogue potato)
As you might have gathered from the list, residents in parts of East Yorkshire – especially Kelk – can be quite bizarre, although quite why anyone would want a box of fingernails is beyond even my comprehension.
Maybe it’s a challenge to see how many nose pickers they can collect in a lifetime.
The Hills Have Eyes, Kelk Has Fingernails. The makings of a good horror film if ever there was one.
Actually, Kelk is probably not a bad place to live. It’s shed dwellers hardly suffer any crime and the village used to have its own red phone box – which is probably just as well, as I can’t imagine mobile phone reception being much cop out in the sticks. They also have a fabulous sense of humour.
Driff, on the other hand, is riddled with crime. Riddled, I say. Probably worse per head of population than Hull.
Hardly a day goes by in the town without someone committing an act of vandalism, theft, burglary or assault.
And it always makes me chortle with amusement when we receive in the office CCTV images of the alleged suspects.
It’s 2011 and new technology is exploding gloriously across the world yet most of the CCTV images available to catch criminals in our little redneck town are so poor that a mother probably wouldn’t even recognise her own son.
As a wannabe journalist, I know hundreds, if not thousands, of people, yet there have been occasions when even I have received a CCTV picture, printed it in the newspaper and completely failed to realise that I know the accused man until I see him face to face in court.
This must be wrong, surely?
Driffield needs a good CCTV system capable of producing clear, crisp images. This will help the police as it will substantially reduce the amount of time they spend investigating crimes which would otherwise be solved quickly.
And, as a bonus, the people who monitor the system would also get the chance to watch funny stuff – such as wobbly drunks falling over – in glorious high definition.
We also need more cous cous in Driffield. Loads of places sell cooked rice and fried chips but it is damn nigh impossible to find cous cous, which is a shame as it makes me laugh as the name of this exotic foodstuff sounds like someone shouting for a missing cat.
While we are on the subject of food, why is it that you can buy country vegetable soup but there is no equivalent for town vegetables?
Have you heard about a disease you can catch from birds?
It’s called Chirpes – a canarial disease which is untweetable.
Finally, this is true and not an invention of The Orb ... although it sounds like it..
The EU has issued a new rule that water cannot be sold as healthy.
A panel of “experts” threw out a claim that regular water consumption is the best way to rehydrate the body.
This is the best news in years – right lads ... pub?!